What Shame Taught Me About Leadership

The Kansas City Chiefs were my 3rd NFL team but the only team where I felt like I belonged and felt like I was at home—from the beginning. Up until this point, my experience in the NFL was like walking head on into a hurricane and the non-stop resistance left me emotionally exhausted.

And this feeling of belonging happened on day one. Not only did walking through the Chiefs facility feel different than the other teams, but my experience on the field felt wildly different. For the first time in the NFL, I was showing up like I knew I could and people were taking notice.

Up until this point, I walked off of the field after each practice feeling angry and ashamed. Part of me knew that I wasn’t showing up like I knew I could and another part of me was ashamed because deep down I was afraid to fully show up because I needed an excuse in case I got cut.

If I gave it my all and it still wasn’t enough, if I wasn’t enough—what would that say about me then?

I guess that’s what happens when you don’t know who you are. You either reduce your environment so that you won’t be exposed or you try to beat the pain to the punch by setting yourself up with an excuse on why things didn’t work out.

Either way, you live a small life.

After this particular practice, we went to the team meeting room to watch film. I usually hated team meetings because watching me and my poor performance on film in front of my teams only reinforced my deepest fears—that I wasn’t enough and the way I’ve found acceptance in this world—through my performance—would now be jeopardized.

But, this time was different. I just had the best practice and I walked into that team meeting room feeling good about myself—really good.

But two plays into the film & three words from the coach’s mouth made me quickly realize that I maybe shouldn’t be feeling so good about myself. I don’t know if my coach was having a bad day or just wanted to use me as an example, but within moments, I was being singled me out for the one small mistake I had made—leaving me feeling more exposed than ever before.

I got home that day and put my hand through my wall. Tears quickly followed. Not because of the blood running down my fist, but because of the inner ache that was leaving me feeling more debilitated by the day.

This wasn’t about not being able to take constructive criticism. I can take criticism and often times welcome it if it means I’m going to grow as a player and as a person. But this anger that I was experiencing was about the feeling of helplessness that washed over me when I realized that no matter how much I do, no matter how much I accomplish,  it was never enough—and I felt trapped.

It would take me seven years and countless therapy session to realize that when shame is the driving force behind your life, good enough will never be good enough. Because, that’s what shame does. It reduces you into believing that you’re not enough and leaves you looking outside of yourself for that which you can only give yourself.

So, performance after performance, you’re still feeling like something is missing—something is wrong. And nothing ever changes, until you change.

What I’ve learned and what I so often see is that in our pursuit of doing more, achieving more and being more, we distance ourselves from the real work that needs to be done—addressing why the more is so important to begin with. It is here that we face the real motive behind our pursuits.

This is leadership expansion.