Why We Self-Sabotage When Things Are Going Too Well

A few years ago, I stumbled across a theory that explained so much of my life, I almost threw my book across the room.

Not out of frustration—but because, for the first time, I made sense.

What once felt so elusive—the invisible force that kept me stuck in cycles of self-sabotage—suddenly had a name.

And when I saw it clearly, I was so excited that I wanted to launch the book across the room and do pushups (don't judge, haha).

It’s called the Upper Limit Problem, a concept made famous by Gay Hendricks, a psychologist and author of The Big Leap.

In short, it’s the idea that we all have an internal thermostat for how much success, love, and happiness we allow ourselves to experience before we start unknowingly pulling ourselves back down.

At first, I thought, Great. Another reason to be frustrated with myself.

But then, I realized—this isn’t about being broken. It’s about being human.

We don’t self-sabotage because we’re weak, or frauds, or “not as good as we thought we were.”

We do it because, at a deep, subconscious level, we’re trying to protect ourselves.

Our nervous system is wired for familiarity, not necessarily fulfillment.

So when we start experiencing more joy, success, or love than we’re used to, our body sounds the alarm: This is new. This is different. This is unsafe.

Cue the procrastination, the unnecessary drama, the sudden urge to reorganize the pantry instead of answering that life-changing email.

But here’s the shift...

Instead of beating ourselves up when we hit an upper limit, we can learn to expand it.

Not by forcing, pushing, or shaming ourselves into “doing better”—but by teaching our nervous system that this new level of success is safe.

And we do that in the simplest way possible...

By pausing, noticing, and allowing ourselves to feel gratitude for how far we’ve come—even if we’re not where we want to be yet.

This could be as small as taking a deep breath after a great conversation instead of rushing to the next thing.

Or sitting in the feeling of accomplishment after finishing something important, rather than brushing it off and immediately moving on.

The more we let ourselves feel the goodness of this moment, the more our nervous system learns: We don’t have to sabotage this. We are allowed to be here.

So if you feel yourself hitting an upper limit—pause. Breathe. Let yourself feel the gratitude.

Because this isn’t the ceiling.

It’s the next level calling you forward.

As always, I'm rooting for you. We're in this together.