How The Right Relationship Helped Me Heal My Shame

A few weeks ago, I was aimlessly scrolling on Twitter when I came across a tweet/thread from Cheryl Strayed. Essentially, she tweeted a more ambiguous sentence about how her and husband feel in love.

And, in response, hundreds of other people did the same, including me. Here are a few that made me smile.

And then, there was my response.

It’s true. Over the course of my dating life I really never felt safe enough to open up and allow someone really to see me. For far too long, I’ve carried mounds of childhood shame into my adult life and it’s wreaked havoc on me and my relationships.

Until I met Kara.

It wasn’t long into the relationship that I found myself in an uncomfortable conversation with her about some parts of my past that unknowing to me at the time — still housed a great amount of shame in my heart.

I’ve processed some parts of this story with my therapist, but I’ve never fully opened up and allowed myself to be seen at this level in any other relationship for a few different reasons, but mainly because I never felt safe enough.

But, since meeting Kara at a writer’s retreat in Kentucky, the one word I would describe our time together and how I have felt throughout this relationship is safe.

Very, safe.

As we continued this uncomfortable conversation, Kara began to pick up how I was becoming increasingly more anxious and squirmy. Right when I was about to shut down, she reached over and gently grabbed my hand, looked me in the eyes and then asked me if I was feeling shame around this conversation — with tears in my eyes, I hesitantly said yes.

We sat there for a few minutes looking at each other in the eyes in complete silence. It took me a few moments to realize what was happening but then I realized what she was doing — she was holding space for me.

She was giving me the permission to feel what I needed to feel with no judgement and no resistance. And, in that moment, I felt a new level of freedom that I had not yet been able to experience.

A freedom that comes with being seen in the most raw way.

As we sat there for a few moments, which really felt like a lifetime, she then proceeded to take her hands and begin to wipe away the shame as if she was wiping fuzz off of my shirt. I was slightly confused at first, but the more she did it, I began to realize what was happening. After wiping away the shame and as her hand rested on my shoulder, I didn’t just feel the weight of her hand, but I begin to feel the presence of unconditional love and how it can change you — how it can set you free.

As I’m typing this, I can’t help but to think of @brenebrown’s quote:

Show me a woman who can sit with a man in real shame, fear and vulnerability and just be with him; I’ll show you a woman who’s done her work and doesn’t derive her status and power from that guy.

I guess I’m saying all of this to say that as a man who has done a great amount of inner work and is still leaning in and doing the work, I can’t tell you how grateful I am to have a woman in my life that is willing to show up and hold space — it has made all the difference inside of our relationship. Inside of this safe relationship, I’ve allowed myself to be seen in the most raw of ways and as a result, new depths have intimacy and freedom have been experienced.

I also know that Kara isn’t the only woman out there doing the work and I just want to personally thank all of you women out there, who have been given every reason to shut down your heart, but you still show up and hold the space.

Speaking for all men, thank you